I remember the last time that he kissed me. (an old beau)

It was mismatched and awkward, as were most things about us. We never quite fit together, pieces of us stuck out jaggedly, tearing and catching.

It was surrounded by people. It was months after we were over.

I remember the look of nostalgia on his face. How he looked me in the eyes as he leaned in. It felt like an obligation, as I had felt to him for a while. I knew all of that, and he knew that I knew. 

It was the first honest kiss we had known. 

I remember the shared feeling of sadness that it had to be the last kiss that was the most honest. 

I walked away from him that night with a sense of finality that I had never known. 

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It was later that night that I shared my first kiss with the love of my life. I never meant for the overlap. It was an accident born of naivete. 

Life is messy that way, and it also has a way of working itself out. The longer he has been here, the less the rest matters. It is not always so simple, but here, it is. 

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I don’t think it an accident that the cards fell this way. I don’t think it happenstance that something so cruel and something so pure could share a day. It was meant as a lesson. Life is complicated and messy. And all of the drawer organizing and pot scrubbing in the world will never make it simple. 

November 24, 2011 marked our second year of togetherness. 

It marked two years of love. 

It also marked two years of trials. 

I speak of our deep and great love often, here. All of that is absolutely and necessarily the case. But I want this to be an honest place, one with true words and pure sentiments. 

There are absolutely bad times, too. Just like all relationships, ours is built on two flawed individuals. We are so young, just trying to grow as individuals while also growing together as a couple. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. 

But these days things are lovely. I am starting a new job on Monday, and we are relocating to Cincinnati. We will be moving in together into a tiny apartment (yet to be located), just big enough for the two of us, our wriggly pup, and his brothel of instruments. Our little family. I’ve never been more excited about anything ever, as evidenced by the extreme nesting going on in these parts. 

Our relationship is hard work. But it is the most worth it-thing I’ve ever known. 

Mister is my balance. He brings lightness into my dark clouds. He airs me out when I get too heavy. He gives my days a beautiful soundtrack. He is a lovely puppy-daddy. 

Benjamin Knight, 

I love you. I will continue to love you until the life leaves my body. There is no one like you, and I am so glad that you are mine. 

Love.