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My path is rocky these days. 

My mind is cloudy and skittish. I am constantly checking my footing, searching the horizon for the coming storm. 

I am wishing for a simpler time. I am hoping for a past time, or a future time, just not a right now time. 

This is not where I wanted to be. This is not where I am supposed to be. 

I am reminded of something I once told a friend. As soon as I think I have made a piece of solid ground to stand on, it all turns to quicksand and I am swallowed whole.

This photo is straight out of the camera. Could I edit it? Probably. But I don’t know if I want to. Something about altering the way that nature presents itself to me makes me uneasy. 

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“You may think I am small, but there is a universe inside my mind.”  -Yoko Ono

   I’ve written this post one thousand times in my mind. I don’t have sufficient words for the ways I have changed, for the lessons I have learned, for the growth I have incurred. Whatever words spew from my fingertips now are a mere shadow of the reality of the universe I conquered in my eighteen days in the Far East. 

I journeyed to China in search of my lost parts, for pieces of myself that I had forgotten or abandoned along the way. I thought that by journeying across the world, hiking the highest peaks, and making myself the most uncomfortable, I would discover inside myself uncharted territories, or an unfailing compass with which I could navigate the coming storm. 

      What I found was a continual metaphor for the nature of our lives: the constant ebb and flow, the eternal balance, and the overwhelming power of human perception. Every moment both drew out for a lifetime of breaths and passed before I was aware of it’s passing. The moment a thought is brought into existence, it has passed. I was warned of the temporal nature of life. I am left no choice but to wander through life in a continual state of wide-eyed amazement.

One of the principles I studied in school was the Taoist principle of yin and yang. They represent the balance of all things. I have never been more aware of the delicate balance of my world than I was while abroad. For each of your bad days, there will be a good day. For each of your moments of self-doubt, there will be a moment of assurance. For each step forwards, there will be a step backwards. And that is exactly the way it should be. Western society places such emphasis on constant and unrelenting forward movement. Progress, they call it. I can no longer relate. 

My new steps will be carrying me towards neutrality; a return to my center. Sartre says something to the effect of ‘I am not the self which I will be, nor the self which I have been.’ I’m paraphrasing a great deal, but the sentiment remains. The past self and the future self hang in perfect balance, with the present, centered self standing in for the fulcrum. 

I am not expecting any of those words to make sense to any one, including myself. I have been home for six days, four of which were spent sleeping. My internal clock is still prompting me for meals at 3 in the morning. As I said, my next steps will be carrying me towards my center. Hopefully towards a corrected body clock, as well as some clarity of mind, because really, what even is that mess of words that just came out. 

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There is a difference between twenty-one and twenty-two. It may be imperceptible to some, but it has resonated through my being like the sounding of a gong. Wake up. It is a poor habit of mine to get caught up in my future, in my plans and my hopes and dreams. So caught up that I lose sight of this day. And this day is important. Wake up. I am always filled with a sense of waiting; always looking forward, and never looking around. But this is it. This is exactly what I’ve been waiting for. This day. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. 

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My life has been in chaos recently. It has thrown into question who I am, who I am with, and who I want to be.  

It has been my experience that we are changing creatures, constantly modifying and adapting our shells to best reflect our insides. We are the opposite of static, we are antistatic. Constantly changing, modifying, adapting, growing, transforming. Trying to push positive change from the inside out and grasping at the treads of beauty we happen upon. 

I know who I am:
I am strong, but sometimes weak.
I am shy, but sometimes bold.
I am cautious, but sometimes carefree.
I am kind, but sometimes mean.
I am considerate, but sometimes very selfish. 

I am always searching for truth, constants and patience. Three kernels which seem to be the most elusive of all.
I search for truth in my heart, in the eyes of my loved ones, and in the actions of my friends.
I search for a constant in my emotions, in my relationships, and in my pace.
I search for patience in all the places where it cannot be found: in logic, in promises for the future, and in my love for others. 

I know who I want to be:
I want to be regularly kind. 
I want to be enduringly patient.  
I want to be forever loving. 
And in all of these things, I wish to find a constant.

A constant Ari, a constant love, a constant life.
I will never find it. I will never be constant. 

So now, a new wish. To find peace. Peace in the change, peace in the flux. The knowledge that this universe cannot bring me someplace that I cannot handle, because I have already conquered a universe inside my mind. 

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I’m beginning to realize how much better our relationship is when we are together. This whole long distance thing does not look good on us.

I cannnot wait until the day when we sign the lease on our own apartment, move in together and spend each day loving each other.

Talking on the phone sucks. Texting sucks. Sleeping alone sucks. Brushing my teeth alone sucks.

Kissing does not suck. Cuddling does not suck. Telling each other about your day over dinner does not suck. Brushing your teeth together does not suck.

September 1st, hurry here.

(sorries about the boob gap in my shirt. find me a shirt that doesn’t do that and I will wear it.)

[Edit: Holy Boobs.]

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I am so serious when I say this past weekend may have been the best ever. There were no fancy dinners, there were no schedules, just me and my mister playing in the country. 

As you know, he got his wisdom teeth taken out on Thursday, and it went very well. By the time I got there on Friday afternoon, he was ready to get out and get moving. So we did. We babysat the niece, who I completely forgot to photograph. 

We spent some time with his grandma; Nana, or Fran Fran:

And we explored an abondoned old house:

   (uh, no, sign, they weren’t thinking safety)

[Not pictured:]

• so much cuddling
• mama cooked meals
• Pirates of the Caribbean movies on USA. 

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This weekend was quite eventful. 

Friday I came to Louisville in the early afternoon and the very first thing I did was clean the apartment. Then mister came home and brought me flowers! 

Friday night was spent finishing a really terrible paper, watching movies and snuggling. Mister made dinner for me, too! Brussel sprouts, broccoli, rice and chicken! So delicious. 

Saturday was for running errands and preparing for our fancy Valentine Date! 

Here’s what I wore (+a sassy expression):

Here’s what he wore:

(SO CUTE!)

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The mister and I both love food, so any chance we have to celebrate, you better believe we are headed to a fancy pants restaurant to expand our palate. 

As mentioned before, we headed to MOZZ Bar in Louisville, and here’s what we ate:

We started off with a beer for him and Prosecco for me, and this delightful bread, which is not very well pictured.

Next, cheese board. (Which was by far my favorite part of the meal.) That is a sort of Gorgonzola on the left, an well-aged Gouda in the middle, and a young Goat’s Cheese on the right. Served with strawberry basil jam, candied pecans, and berries. 

Then a plate of cured meats for the mister. Perhaps my palate is incapable of picking up the differences, but if you ask me, all cured meats taste like pepperoni. 

Then, my second favorite. A fresh mozzarella and prosciutto panini with arugula and watermelon salad. Seriously, so good. 

And because we still weren’t finished tasting things, these delicious mussels!

There was a salad in there somewhere, but it photographed horribly. 

Looking at these pictures makes me realize exactly how much we ate that night, and I am so surprised that I didn’t explode. We have a habit of skipping the one app, two entrees order in favor of AS MANY DISHES AS WE CAN GET ON HANDS ON, which usually means ordering multiple appetizers or small plates. You get to try more things for the same amount of money, and you get to share plates! Adorable!

It was a pretty great date, all thanks to my mister. 

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Life is not always so sweet. 

As I get older, it becomes less about getting what I want and more about being healthy. 

Today served as a reminder to slow down. Let it be for a little while, and to take things at face value.   

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I challenge you to find something as sweet as the love passed silently between two souls in the early morning. To have awoken next to each other is a precious gift. To welcome vulnerability, to allow a connection, to let them in. 

This world is a fragile place. Having found a solid place to keep my love is one of my greatest joys. 

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I woke up every morning searching for ways to convince him to love me. 

I was in the middle of an emotionally abusive relationship and I had no idea. See, that’s the thing about your first adult relationship being as unhealthy as mine was: You don’t know any better. I had no idea that there were other men who would love me, other men who would carry my heart, and share all of themselves with me. I had  no   idea. 

The part about this that I hate most of all, is that by the time I hated him enough to leave, he had already left battle wounds across the surface of my heart. I carry that with me everyday. I have found ways to cover it up, to bandage the wounds, to make a solid facade, but it didn’t stick. I am just as hurt by his actions and his words now as I was on the day that picture was taken. 

I carry that with me. I wish, more than anything in the whole world, that I could leave it behind me, that I could find a way to heal four year old wounds, and that I can begin loving my mister with my very whole heart.