was for more than a few large IKEA purchases, including a new couch! 

This little family of three had been piling up on a broken-in futon for far too long. 

(Also, the mister’s parents are visiting. Suddenly my apartment being covered in dog hair is a source of severe anxiety. Like, what if his mother doesn’t like me anymore because of that tumbleweed of dog hair rolling down the hall. Like I said… Anxiety.) 

It feels like I’m faking it. All this adult stuff. 

Paying bills, going to work everyday, buying groceries, and raising this puppy. Having this grown person relationship with this man that I love. 

It feels like it is all happening by accident. It feels like I am waiting for it to fall out from under me. It feels detached and a little like someone else’s life.

But.

The bills are paid. The refrigerator is full. Lola is fed and walked every day. I am going to work everyday, to a job that I like, and at which I do a pretty damn good job, if I do say so myself. This man and I are growing together, and loving each other, and it is working. 

It’s not an accident that I ended up here. I made all this for myself. I chased down this job. I poured over lists of apartments and hunted down the dream apartment. I made this happen. I buy that pup’s food, and take her for walks, and pay for her (sometimes very expensive surgerys and) doctor’s visits. I choose this love on a daily basis. I pick my words. I kiss his face with intention and purpose. 

I want this to feel like less of an accident. I want to feel like I made this, like I am responsible for myself, like I can make my own happiness ( and have ). 

Surgery tomorrow. 

Scraping the bottom of my barrel to pay for it. 

Growing up is hard. 

1. To graduate immediately. I know that this is my senior year and people keep telling me that I need to be having fun and making a bunch of memories that I will keep forever. I think it’s bullshit. I am making memories that I will keep in my heart for the rest of my life, but they are moments of quiet with my mister at the end of the day, in the bed, in the dark, when we are talking and cuddling and dreaming about our lives. Those are the moments I will remember. 
2. To be pregnant. That’s right I said it. I am not married. I have yet to graduate from college and I am definitely not ready to raise a child right now.  But I have known for a very long time that a mother is what I am supposed to be. It is more than just a desire to make a baby with my mister (although that is also something that I want). I want to be a mother: adoptive, biological, foster, married, single, young or old. I know that I want to be a mother. It is my life goal. To have and raise children into successful adults. That is my lofty ambition and I am tired of it being something people expect an apology for. 
3. To have a home. While the rest of the people my age are off studying drinking and hanging out fucking each other, I am dreaming about my future home. I won’t lie to you, I have a detailed floor plan already laid out. I know exactly what I want my home to look like, and most of how I want to fill it. With love and children and laughter and love. Mostly love. And good food. And wine. And white things. And love. 
4. To be married. Contrary to most people my age, I have no problem with commitment. I know who I am going to be with. So in a way I already consider myself married. But I am very much looking forward to planning a wedding. 
5. To have a dependable, well paying, job. I am very much looking forward to having a steady income, planning a budget, managing my finances, and saving to pay cash for the things I want. The shitty part about this is that there is literally no way I could accomplish that right now. I am very frustrated with the fact that I am in school. I know it’s a means to an ends. But it fucking sucks. 

And I’m not apologizing for it.